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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28743021">Forgiveness Needs Discussion But Talking Is Hard</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Welcome2MyWorld/pseuds/Welcome2MyWorld'>Welcome2MyWorld</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Discovery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>At least I think it's light angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hugh and Tracy are definitely best friends, Jett also has the briefest of mentions in dialogue, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e13 That Hope Is You Part 2, Su'kal also gets his mention in dialogue, Tilly is totally spying on Paul just saying, Tracy is a fleeting glance I'm sorry, why do we never call her Sylvia?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:53:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,543</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28743021</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Welcome2MyWorld/pseuds/Welcome2MyWorld</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Who should you be angry with? The friend who sent you away for your own safety, the leader who had bigger fish to fry, the one you love for being kind or the one who is essentially your child for wanting to save those in need?<br/>Or....should you be angry with yourself for nearly endangering everyone you know?</p>
<p>Paul is respectful but distant and Hugh wants to understand why.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hugh Culber &amp; Paul Stamets &amp; Adira Tal, Hugh Culber &amp; Sylvia Tilly, Hugh Culber/Paul Stamets, Jett Reno &amp; Paul Stamets, Michael Burnham &amp; Hugh Culber, Paul Stamets &amp; Sylvia Tilly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Forgiveness Needs Discussion But Talking Is Hard</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>HOLY HECK HOW HAS IT BEEN THIS LONG, WTF EXCUSE ME!?<br/><em>ahem</em><br/>So, it's been a while since I updated a certain fic I will not name but I can assure you that it is coming! I'll explain more when that chapter (the final one) comes out.<br/>In the meantime, enjoy this! I feel like the title and summary may be a touch misleading, but I had this idea floating around my brain after S03 E12 "There Is A Tide..." and I decided to wait until after the season finale to write it down. I've seen mixed feelings about Burnham blowing up that bit of the ship and sending Stamets into space to be collected by the Federation, but I'm showing part of my perspective here. I'll say this: he was emotionally compromised and couldn't think clearly bc he'd just learned that the people he loved the most, not to mention his captain, were still in the nebula and were going to die. I liked that scene, even if it did break my heart.<br/>I also feel like Michael would be one to always keep her promises, especially to those she considers family, so that's why she said what she did to Hugh when he said he would stay.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The relief Paul felt when he saw Hugh and Adira safe was immense, something that couldn’t quite be expressed in words. Of course, he was glad that the captain was alive too, but the people he cared for the most was all that mattered. He was sad to learn that he had missed seeing Gray, but from what Hugh had said he was hopeful for the future possibility.</p>
<p>When all was said and done, and everyone was home, Paul went to see Hugh and Adira in sickbay, checking them both over with his own eyes despite Dr Pollard (the <em>CMO</em> of the ship) clearing their health. Their conversation was mostly reassurances and meaningless chatter, but it settled the anxiety that had been roiling within Paul for hours and the relief was clear in his eyes.</p>
<p>According to Adira, Gray was happy to see him too, but when his gaze flickered in the direction of where the Trill supposedly was, it was movement by the doorway that caught his attention. Hugh and Adira turned briefly to see what he was looking at and each sent a smile to the person who, in Paul’s opinion, didn’t deserve one.</p>
<p>Turning back to Hugh, the doctor put a placating hand on his chest, a unspoken question to wait until later. He obliged, but only because he knew that blowing up in the face of the person who had kept her promise (he found out from Hugh that she had <em>strongly</em> promised her return) and saved all three of them from the radiation <em>while in sickbay</em> would be a very bad idea.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Michael Burnham.</strong>
</p>
<p>He couldn’t help but feel frustrated every time he heard her name, that frustration eventually mounting to anger and finally making him snap at people. It wasn’t like that was an uncommon occurrence, but those of the crew who had made the jump from the 23<sup>rd</sup> Century to the 32<sup>nd</sup> seemed to notice that this wasn’t because of a typical reason. So they stayed quiet, though Tilly was very persistent in trying to get an answer out of him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Back in the safety of their quarters, Paul told Hugh his side of the story as they sat on the bed. The doctor was sympathetic to his situation, knowing that he would have done the same thing as Paul had: do anything and everything to get his family back. However, during the rant, he was gently interrupted.</p>
<p>“Don’t you think she had a point though?”</p>
<p>Paul blinked, frowning in confusion, “What do you mean? She sent me away knowing <em>full well </em>that I was the only person able to work the spore drive. She had no knowledge of Booker’s abilities with it, and even then it almost wasn’t quick enough!”</p>
<p>Hugh placed a hand on his shoulder, letting it slide down his arm so that their hands could touch and link fingers, “That’s true, but she was doing the best she could in a terrible situation.”</p>
<p>“You’re being too nice about it; you could have died!”</p>
<p>“Yes, we could have,” Hugh said softly, a sad smile gracing his features at the thought, “but you didn’t know that Adira had brought medicine with them. You also didn’t know about my decision to stay. Michael didn’t want to leave without me, but I made her go.”</p>
<p>Paul sighed, interlacing their fingers properly so that his palm could touch Hugh’s. As always, the other man made a fair point. He simply didn’t have all of the pieces that Michael had; he hadn’t known about the promise to go back, or about anything that had happened on the planet.</p>
<p>“So who are you angry with?”</p>
<p>“Hm?” The question confused the astromycologist, especially when it came from nowhere out of the companionable silence that they had fallen into. Blue met brown in silent query, a million different things said in the brief seconds they were connected.</p>
<p>“Who are you angry with?”</p>
<p>The question came again and this time Paul found his words, “Isn’t it obvious who I’m angry with? Burnham.”</p>
<p>Hugh simply smiled in the way he had back in the mycelial network. It was a smile that said ‘that isn’t the answer I’m looking for.’</p>
<p>“Alright, so you’re angry with Michael, but are you sure? You’re still upset for reasons other than her, right?”</p>
<p>Sometimes, Paul wished that Hugh didn’t know him so well. It would be much easier to avoid difficult conversations, even with a man as patient and kind as Hugh Culber. Honestly, the good doctor had almost too much empathy at times.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” he said eventually, breathing out a sigh, “I don’t think there’s anything else, but if you have any answers then please, by all means, enlighten me.” Hugh chuckled at the sarcastic words, knowing there wasn’t any heat behind them and that Paul just wanted to know.</p>
<p>“Ok, here’s a list-“</p>
<p>“A list!?”</p>
<p>“Shush, be quiet or it’ll take longer.”</p>
<p>The blonde shut his mouth, sitting back and giving Hugh a look. <em>‘Him and his lists,'</em> he thought in gentle annoyance, allowing the other to continue.</p>
<p>“Are you angry at Michael for sending you away? Are you angry at Admiral Vance for agreeing with her? Are you angry at me for staying with Su’kal?” – there was a noise of protest from Paul at that – “Are you angry at Adira for bringing medicine and getting stuck too?” – another noise – “Or are you angry at yourself?”</p>
<p>Hugh finished and looked at Paul, seeing the cogs turning in his mind, “My..self? W-Why would I be angry at myself?” He didn’t understand that last one, and the doctor squeezing his hand gently made it seem as though he probably wouldn’t like the answer that he was about to receive.</p>
<p>“You were emotional Paul, and you weren’t thinking clearly. If Michael hadn’t stopped you, you’d have jumped <em>Discovery</em> to a planet filled with dilithium and given the Chain a chance to destroy what’s left of the Federation. There was no guarantee that they’d even save us, in fact....I highly doubt they would have.” Hugh paused, cupping the back of Paul’s neck with his other hand to get him to look up, “I know why you wanted to do that, and I also know that you don’t want to blame yourself. No one ever does...but you can’t say you blame other people when you really feel like it’s you at fault.”</p>
<p>There was silence as the words sunk in, Paul letting his forehead rest against Hugh’s as he processed what had been said. Was he really just upset with himself rather than anyone else? No, he was definitely annoyed with Michael for not listening to him <strike>or did he not listen to her?</strike>, and Vance just rubbed him the wrong way despite having never really spoken to the man much. The admiral had tried to break up the crew when they first arrived and then had seemingly dismissed the urgency of getting back to the nebula, so he wasn’t inspiring any confidence in Paul’s book. Hugh and Adira? No, he could never fault them for what they did. Hugh understood how Su’kal must have felt, and Adira only wanted to help Hugh and Saru to...well, <em>not die.</em></p>
<p>The only one left on that list was Paul himself.</p>
<p>“....Are <em>you</em> upset with me?” He eventually asked in a small voice, looking up at Hugh with worried eyes. The other man shook his head, moving his hand to stroke Paul’s cheek with his thumb.</p>
<p>“No, I’m not. Not at all,”  he kissed him softly, pulling back slightly to look at Paul properly, “but I do think you should apologise to Burnham.”</p>
<p>“What for? What did I do?”</p>
<p>“You’ve been mostly ignoring her from what Tilly has been saying-”</p>
<p>“Oh, so you’re getting her to spy on me now?”</p>
<p>“Spy on you? <em>Never.</em> Though, Reno does have some good insight...”</p>
<p>“How did I know she’d be involved in this?”</p>
<p>The amicable chatter between them turned to lighter topics for the meantime, the future discussion with Michael filed away for later use.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Michael Burnham became the captain, the uniforms were changed (though some people might have kept their old ones for nostalgia’s sake) and life went on, <em>Discovery</em> becoming a transport ship for the time being. Paul could never find the right time to catch Burnham alone, what with her newfound priorities, but he didn’t ignore her anymore. He didn’t realise he had before, so it was a conscious effort at first for him to greet her when needed. He still respected her, of course, because she had been through things that most would be unable to comprehend, and had saved the ship and crew on multiple occasions. Heck, she proved as much with their most recent ordeal, so she could earn pretty much anyone’s respect with that.</p>
<p>He knew she would wait, he had seen it back when she had hovered by the sickbay doors. She would wait for him to go to her, and then they would both apologise and have a very long discussion about everything. Vulcan patience could come in very handy at times, especially when the one without it needed time to think.</p>
<p>Paul would get there soon, just not today.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So, who wants to see the apology/discussion between Burnham and Stamets? It'll be set Post-Season 3/Pre-Season 4 and will most likely not coincide with season 4 as I have a feeling that the grudge (no, not the queen) will last for at least an episode or two into season 4. In one of the final scenes, we saw many crewmembers smile at 'Captain Burnham' coming onto the bridge, but with Stamets it was more of a 'respectful-but-I-don't-really-feel-like-it' nod. It gave me slight Lorca vibes, aka how he felt with Lorca being captain. Hopefully they can be friends again.</p>
<p>Kudos are lovely, comments would be a nice surprise and tbh reads/hits always make my day, so thank you for reading! ^-^</p></blockquote></div></div>
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